the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
