and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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