She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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