dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
