apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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