Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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