they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
