I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
