She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
