I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
