i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
