i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
