We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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