Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize