I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
