Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
