There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
