Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Watching her eat just hurts me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
