It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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