We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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