Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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