You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
