So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
