im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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