Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
