okay pat passed out under dana's car
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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