I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
