Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
