i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
