I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
