I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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