oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
