I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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