Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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