Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
