Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize