she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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