i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
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I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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