how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
