I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
