I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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