I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
