he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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