Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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