Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
