its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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