Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
last night I used snow as a chaser
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