Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
