I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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