Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
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Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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