I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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