omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
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