either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
