Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
