i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
