you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
