Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
