Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
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He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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