I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
