I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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