Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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