So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
